Dear 2008,
Thank you for sucking the oxygen out of the room.
Farewell.
Don't let the door hit you on the way out.
Love,
Patty
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
a religious update.
This morning through the last moments of sleep I heard a disturbance outside.
I opened up my eyes, got my ass out of bed and opened the front door.
The sky parted and i heard a loud voice say, "Patty, why are you so funky fresh and dope?"
Thank God it's the weekend.
I opened up my eyes, got my ass out of bed and opened the front door.
The sky parted and i heard a loud voice say, "Patty, why are you so funky fresh and dope?"
Thank God it's the weekend.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
metro rail guards, watery eyes and beer in a can are all indicators that christmas is here.
Driving to work today I could not get over the fact that every single station was playing Christmas music. Mariah Carey, Boyz II Men (yes, i went there with the roman numerals), some adult contemporary crap.
I hate Christmas music. Hate it. I find it to be the most depressing thing. Even more depressing than a trip through Urban Outfitters when you're dirt broke and didn't bring your shoplifting bag. Kidding, kidding.
Anyways, the song that gets me the most and makes me want to hurl myself into moving traffic is Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.
For starters, I've never been one for taking orders from songs and this pretty much sounds like an order, but even worse than that the music is quite possibly the saddest since Dust in the Wind. Is it just me?
Regardless, when I heard it this morning I had a really painful flashback. And by painful, I am being a tad dramatic, although the situation did make me teary eyed. And I'm not the crying type.
I board the metro on a particularly manic day. I have my sunglasses on my head which must be some kind of proof that God exists, because if there was ever a day I needed sunglasses on my head it was this day.
I'm staring out the window and it is a noisy day on the metro. And I am wishing and hoping and even praying that everyone would just shut up.
Over the chatter, I hear...... "Have yourself a merry little Christmas,Let your heart be light...."
It is loud. I turn to look and see a man, probably homeless, singing. I look forward, I see a metro rail guard staring right at him. Everyone seems oblivious to the man singing except the guard and me. It's like a really weird scene in a movie where the only three people that are really there are me, the guard and the singer.
I have this intense pang of sadness that I can't explain. I want to crawl under the seat.
"From now on, our troubles will be out of sight"
Eyes start to water. I feel embarrassed. Like the girl that got made fun of in school in front of the whole class and started to cry. I can't help it. All of a sudden I feel so alone. Like, scary alone. I remember a co-worker that told me I would die alone. I push my sunglasses down to cover my eyes. This is all a little too intense for me on a metro rail ride.
"Have yourself a merry little Christmas, Make the Yule-tide gay, From now on, our troubles will be miles away"
I want to vomit my insides.
I look at the man through my sunglasses. Notice the lady sitting by him is now smiling at him. He starts to laugh. Tells her that he's been out since 5 in the morning and has been drinking since. Silence.
Finally.
I wipe an escaped tear from my cheek and pray for the world to hit pause.
He goes back to "From now on, our troubles will be miles away".
I think.... Christmas. And I'm alone.
I look at the metro rail guard and he's still got his eyes on the prize.
The man, he says, "Excuse me a second, I'm thirsty."
Opens a can of beer and starts to pour into an apple juice bottle. A small bottle.
The guard gets up and tells him, "You shouldn't have done that."
I slump in my chair and look away.
The man laughs. says he's thirsty.
The guard, he says, "Now you have to go."
Everyone is quiet.
The man is appalled that he is being kicked out. "You're making me leave?"
The guard says, "Yes."
It's a really sad moment. My glasses are fogged up. I feel sad, stupid, alone. And it keeps ringing in my ears. "From now on, our troubles will be out of sight."
I wonder why? Why will our troubles be out of sight? And I realize the cheery optimism of Christmas is driving me nuts. Particularly when it's hiding in the midst of this depressing ass song.
I hate Christmas music.
I hate you Christmas. I really do.
Choke on it.
I hate Christmas music. Hate it. I find it to be the most depressing thing. Even more depressing than a trip through Urban Outfitters when you're dirt broke and didn't bring your shoplifting bag. Kidding, kidding.
Anyways, the song that gets me the most and makes me want to hurl myself into moving traffic is Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.
For starters, I've never been one for taking orders from songs and this pretty much sounds like an order, but even worse than that the music is quite possibly the saddest since Dust in the Wind. Is it just me?
Regardless, when I heard it this morning I had a really painful flashback. And by painful, I am being a tad dramatic, although the situation did make me teary eyed. And I'm not the crying type.
I board the metro on a particularly manic day. I have my sunglasses on my head which must be some kind of proof that God exists, because if there was ever a day I needed sunglasses on my head it was this day.
I'm staring out the window and it is a noisy day on the metro. And I am wishing and hoping and even praying that everyone would just shut up.
Over the chatter, I hear...... "Have yourself a merry little Christmas,Let your heart be light...."
It is loud. I turn to look and see a man, probably homeless, singing. I look forward, I see a metro rail guard staring right at him. Everyone seems oblivious to the man singing except the guard and me. It's like a really weird scene in a movie where the only three people that are really there are me, the guard and the singer.
I have this intense pang of sadness that I can't explain. I want to crawl under the seat.
"From now on, our troubles will be out of sight"
Eyes start to water. I feel embarrassed. Like the girl that got made fun of in school in front of the whole class and started to cry. I can't help it. All of a sudden I feel so alone. Like, scary alone. I remember a co-worker that told me I would die alone. I push my sunglasses down to cover my eyes. This is all a little too intense for me on a metro rail ride.
"Have yourself a merry little Christmas, Make the Yule-tide gay, From now on, our troubles will be miles away"
I want to vomit my insides.
I look at the man through my sunglasses. Notice the lady sitting by him is now smiling at him. He starts to laugh. Tells her that he's been out since 5 in the morning and has been drinking since. Silence.
Finally.
I wipe an escaped tear from my cheek and pray for the world to hit pause.
He goes back to "From now on, our troubles will be miles away".
I think.... Christmas. And I'm alone.
I look at the metro rail guard and he's still got his eyes on the prize.
The man, he says, "Excuse me a second, I'm thirsty."
Opens a can of beer and starts to pour into an apple juice bottle. A small bottle.
The guard gets up and tells him, "You shouldn't have done that."
I slump in my chair and look away.
The man laughs. says he's thirsty.
The guard, he says, "Now you have to go."
Everyone is quiet.
The man is appalled that he is being kicked out. "You're making me leave?"
The guard says, "Yes."
It's a really sad moment. My glasses are fogged up. I feel sad, stupid, alone. And it keeps ringing in my ears. "From now on, our troubles will be out of sight."
I wonder why? Why will our troubles be out of sight? And I realize the cheery optimism of Christmas is driving me nuts. Particularly when it's hiding in the midst of this depressing ass song.
I hate Christmas music.
I hate you Christmas. I really do.
Choke on it.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
The secret to true happiness is a combination of low expectations and insensitivity
This Olivia Goldsmith quote really got me thinking.
Maybe it's because it feels like my life is going upside down, inside out, Topsy turvy. Whatever the right words would be for it.
Words. They're never right. You never say the right things, only you think about them afterwards. You wish you would have said them. But for what? Words are just words. Or are they?
I've always over analyzed words. what people say to me. Ulterior motives. I wonder and wonder and wish I'd stop caring.
It's not wise to have expectations, humans, as a whole, are very disappointing. They don't say what they mean and they don't mean what they say. It's rare to find those few genuine people... and even then... those people will let you down, too.
Ahhhhh. pessimistic much?
The worse is when you feel like you are that disappointment. Like you've let people down. How, unwillingly, you let people down. It's the cycle. Unwillingly, we let each other down. Sometimes in order to keep ourselves happy, sane, healthy we have to let go of others and their emotions and let them down.
And it feels good. Bad and Good. Like finding mixed fruit jelly at the supermarket and then realizing that it's mixed with peanut butter. And you hate peanut butter, but damn is that mixed fruit jelly good.
Maybe it's because it feels like my life is going upside down, inside out, Topsy turvy. Whatever the right words would be for it.
Words. They're never right. You never say the right things, only you think about them afterwards. You wish you would have said them. But for what? Words are just words. Or are they?
I've always over analyzed words. what people say to me. Ulterior motives. I wonder and wonder and wish I'd stop caring.
It's not wise to have expectations, humans, as a whole, are very disappointing. They don't say what they mean and they don't mean what they say. It's rare to find those few genuine people... and even then... those people will let you down, too.
Ahhhhh. pessimistic much?
The worse is when you feel like you are that disappointment. Like you've let people down. How, unwillingly, you let people down. It's the cycle. Unwillingly, we let each other down. Sometimes in order to keep ourselves happy, sane, healthy we have to let go of others and their emotions and let them down.
And it feels good. Bad and Good. Like finding mixed fruit jelly at the supermarket and then realizing that it's mixed with peanut butter. And you hate peanut butter, but damn is that mixed fruit jelly good.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Erika S. is a very bad girl.
So. I missed the finale of Paris Hilton is my new BFFFFFFFFF, because i was busy making a really, really, really long paper clip gown. (stay tuned for details on how to buy said gown at a later date). Of course Erika missed it, too, because she was busy mailing a care package to some hungry Ethiopians. BUT... while I did not catch said fine programming on a re-run episode, Ms. Erika did. Do you think that she could possibly fill me in on who was lucky (?) enough to win the life changing title of Paris Hilton's new BFFFFFFFFFF?
If you guessed that she didn't, you win.
I just had to read it from a totally random website.
What bothers me most is that you think you know a person and you think that said person totally knows you and then you realize that, in the grand scheme of things, nobody knows jack. I am so hurt... so shocked... so demoralized i can't even feel my left leg.
If you guessed that she didn't, you win.
I just had to read it from a totally random website.
What bothers me most is that you think you know a person and you think that said person totally knows you and then you realize that, in the grand scheme of things, nobody knows jack. I am so hurt... so shocked... so demoralized i can't even feel my left leg.
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